so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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