Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
