I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
