If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
