I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Every concussion has its silver lining
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
