I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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