The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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