how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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