On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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