My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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