In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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