let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
