I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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