Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
