OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
