I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
