im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
