I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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