do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
