I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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