I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
