There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
