Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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