I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
