Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
