Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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