i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my sisters under your porch take her home
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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