someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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