and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
