I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
