What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
