I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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