If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
