so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i will never coherently bang her
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
