I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
