Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
there's paper in my vomit.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
