I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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