ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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