She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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