Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He passed out mid-signature
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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