The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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