if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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