I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
