you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
