I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
