I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
