I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
