my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
