I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
