I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
