I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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