This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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