He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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