i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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