I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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