do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
