I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
