Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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