So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize