I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.