We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
