she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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