i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
